A terrible tragedy unfolded today, one that requires immediate legislative intervention. For once it doesn’t involve me dropping a case Newcastle Brown Ale on my foot.

Yes, this meance far exceeds my klutziness and inability to walk a straight line while sober.
In Valley Stream, NY, a 3 year old boy died during a matinee showing of Alien Vs. Predator. The cause of death: choking on popcorn.

Forget why a 3 year old was in a PG-13 movie with violent content and adult situations when there’s a dearth of babysitters available during the summer months. Never mind that no refund was issued. Instead, consider the true evil, an evil that lurks behind the counter at every multiplex in this country. Contrary to dogma spewed by corporate robber barons, it’s more than an innocent snack, it’s a dangerous substance. A child was exposed to this substance, one provided by a profiteering movie theater to his unsuspecting parents, with no questions asked. And as a result, that child died.

We must do something to save the children and stop this unchecked lust for blood profits. To prevent further deaths by popcorn at movie theaters, I propose a 7 day waiting period on the purchase and sale. During this waiting period, thorough background checks may be run on the purchaser. Should an applicant be found to be unfit, the clerk will have legal means to refuse the sale. Training and certifications on the proper methods of handling and transportation the substance will be strongly encouraged.

Please help us save the children from the evils of a profiteering industry.

And remember, no matter what the death merchants claim, dangerous substance + child = death.

Normally this blog end runs around current topics, but one news event this week was just too disturbing for me to overlook.

Mary Kay Letourneau, the 42 year old teacher was released this week from a seven year stint for child rape. Legally she is barred from any communication with her victim, now 21, who’s also the father of two of her children.

Even though this relationship has cost her a teaching job, made her a felon, damned her to sex offender database, led to a divorce and a protracted estrangement with her other children, Mary Kay is back on the prowl for Vili Fualaau. Tragically, Mr. Fualaau is ready for round 3 too, and already mounted a legal challenge to overturn the ban on his contact with Mary Kay. After all now he’s an adult.

Here’s my theory: If we all stop paying attention, they will break up. And better yet, the news will stop reporting the Mary Kay and Vili show.

I don’t want to watch the TV movie with the paperback book tie-in and Barbara Walters pre-broadcast interview. I don’t want to hear her shrill voice on Howard Stern, or look at her centerfold in Playboy. More than any other story this year, this is the one story I want to die.

Let’s not hear from either of them until again until their obituaries.

Rant over. Thanks for tuning in.

Perhaps the most venerated actor of the last 50 years, Marlon Brando has left the building.

His career exploded in the early 50’s with work on The Wild One, A Streetcar Named Desire and Julius Caesar. Films like these marked the dawn of a new era in film, the era of stars insisting everything be done their way.

While many of his performances on screen were inspired at times, almost surreal, little credit is given to directors who coaxed these kind of results out of him.

His role as Don Vito Corleone in the Godfather was sheer genius, bordering on flawless. What was less than perfect was the exacting toll on the Francis Ford Coppola, who not only had to endure Brando not showing up for weeks at a time, but when the actor did deign to appear, he required more than a month of work to determine the right approach for the role. It was a tactic he reprised during Apocalypse Now.

His advancing age did little to soften his attitude. More recently, Brando starred in The Score. Referring to Frank Oz the director as Miss Piggy, he refused to appear on the set if Oz was present.

Betcha lots of people wish they could get away with that at work huh? Sorry boss, I’m not doing anything as long as you are around.

Come to think of it, maybe Brando was onto something…

The follow up to Nia Vardolos international hit, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Connie and Carla arrived in theaters last Friday and died on arrival. It was so bad Uma Thurman may as well have jumped off the screen of Kill Bill 2 and killed the producers and studio.

Let’s step through the math and compare box office, shall we?
MGFGW 353 worldwide gross – 24 million costs = 329 million profit

Man, that’s a nice tidy profit. And that number excludes video rentals, DVD sales and the TV show spin off. Now compare MBFGW numbers to Connie and Carla so far.

Connie and Carla gross 3 million – 37 million cost = -34 million << OUCH! My math’s kinda fuzzy but one of those bottom lines don’t look like the other. So sam, what the hell is your point? I don’t like math blogs, you’re saying. Here’s my point, follow ups in the wake of smash hits are very difficult animals. Judge not Nia, is all I’m saying. Anything that comes after a tsunami like MBFGW comes with the baggage of very high expectations. But I only have the expectation that the movie is in color and costs me 9 bucks to see. And you never know, it may pick up steam over time. This Friday I’m going to see Connie and Carla. If it’s still playing.