What went right today:

Yeah, it was that sort of a Monday.

Last night, however, was fraught with zany goodness. Picture this: 9PM on a warm October evening. Beer and stories flow between a few friends. Several step outside for a smoke, and the others tag along. As they joke a neighbor the size of a refrigerator skulks up the walkway.

SKULKER: I need to get inside your apartment building and check your squirrel traps.

JUSTIN: What?

SKULKER: Your landlord is in a lot of trouble. I’m calling the police.

SAM: For?

SKULKER: For setting illegal squirrel traps.

JUSTIN: Uh, there are no squirrel traps inside the building. Maybe you could talk to the landlord directly about this.

SKULKER: Great. Here’s my phone.

JUSTIN ( steps away ): I’ll call him on mine.

SKULKER: Your landlord is in big trouble. He caught a cat once in a squirrel trap. I’m going to have to call the police.

SAM: You’re trespassing and you’re calling the police?

SKULKER: I’m not trespassing.

SAM: You’re standing in the yard.

JUSTIN ( returns ): The landlord says to call the police.

SKULKER ( dials a few dozen numbers ):

JUSTIN: Do you need the number? Try 911.

SKULKER: No. I have it.

SAM: I don’t understand why the police would come about a squirrel trap inside an apartment building. Especially when it doesn’t exist.

SKULKER: Look, your landlord is in big trouble. He’s been setting traps for years. A cat from the neighborhood is missing. I should know. My husband is a doctor.

JUSTIN: Why don’t you call the police already. I want to complain about you trespassing.

SAM: In fact, I’m going to file my own complaint. You’re threatening us.

SKULKER: How am I threatening you?

SAM: You’re annoying me on my time off. And trespassing. That’s a threat to my well-being, and even worse my buzz.

JUSTIN: You know what? We’re going inside. When the police come, we’ll come back out.

Needless to say, the po-po were a no show.

Due to blatant discrimination, I recently changed auto insurance companies. Yes, a white Protestant male was discriminated against by a major corporation. How did that happen?

Picture this: a crisp September morn, and a renewal notice for an auto insurance policy arrives via post. It’s year seven with that company, the start of another incident free season. In seventeen years of driving, there is not a single reported accident on file in any state. Granted there is a solitary blemish, though one moving violation more than 10 years ago hardly counts because it was plead down to obstruction of traffic–a non point violation. The car is paid off and has been for four years. Although nothing has changed, rate increases happen periodically and expected. I do not, however, expect a 100 percent increase in my premiums.

Sam: Hi, I’m confused. My premiums doubled. I may be getting old, but I don’t remember any accidents.

( annoying music to idle by )

Customer Rep: Sir, thanks for holding. We’re showing that you got divorced.

Sam: Almost, yes.

Customer Rep: Right, so this is a major change in your policy. You no longer qualify for the marriage discount, or the multiple cars on a single policy discount.

Sam: I’m confused. The ex is on the same company still with another policy. So while we’re not in the same household, you’re still getting the business. As far as a marriage discount, can that possibly be worth the cost of the original policy again?

Customer Rep: Why don’t we generate a new policy for you with a new quote and see how it comes out? It will take twenty-four to seventy-two hours.

Ninety-six hours later, a new quote arrives.

Sam: OK, now I’m really confused. This is even more money than the original renewal.

Customer Rep: Yes, sir. It does appear a bit strange. I should think the new quote would be lower.

Sam: Yes, it should be something.

Customer Rep: Let me file a request for another calculation. There seems to be a few inconsistencies between these quotes. Check your mail in seventy-hours.

One hundred hours pass; a new quote arrives.

Sam: Look, I’ve gotten three quotes for the same coverage, and each one has gotten more expensive than the last. Also, I can’t understand why my premiums doubled. Unless you can get me a quote that works in the next twenty-four hours, I’m taking my ball somewhere else.

Customer Rep: You know what? That makes sense. I’m going to look into this and call you back in four hours or less.

The next business day…

Sam: Hey, I have a problem. I was with AIG for seven years and got divorced and they doubled my premiums. I’m hoping you can match my original rate when I was married.

GEICO: Let’s see what we can do.

( jamming hold music )

GEICO: Sir, we can get the same coverage you had before for X.

Sam: Goddamn! That’s less than I paid when I was married. Sign me up!

GEICO: OK, we just need a few more details…

Long story short, I got a new auto policy on a new company. And here’ s a little joke I lifted from a great movie for my old auto insurer.

Sam: Knock, knock.

AIG: Who’s there?

Sam: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

By some cruel push of fate, the anti-glare coating on my glasses–a five layer coating over the lenses which makes for clearer images–began dissolving, leaving splotches and tears. First a lone mark appeared; others followed shortly after. In just days, wearing them was like walking in a snow storm. No matter how careful I was with the lenses, the damage spread like a bacteria colony.

So clinging to the old and busted were out of the question. Couldn’t take any more headaches. The optometrist ordered a new pair of glasses, spiffy ones, too. But the new hotness will not arrive until Saturday. Which left me half-blind. Or did it?
I dug out an old pair of prescription glasses, the lenses in perfect condition. Only one problem. They were sunglasses. And not just any sunglasses. These bad boys have special polarized forty-five percent tint. Maximum protection–even in tropical environments.

Right now a veil of blackness shrouds every surface. On the plus side, objects are clear. And I can stare right into the sun without flinching.