Well, I could not have worded this more offensively if I tried:

“Look, it’s terrible, I know, but weakness really, really bugs me, to the point that if there is a wounded bird on the sidewalk, I look at it and I go: I think I’ll just kick it.”

Jodie Foster tells Britain’s Daily Mail

Seriously, Jodie, where did I put that brick? A vagrant in front of my apartment building needs . . . uh, help.

Looks like Skeletor was distributing Jesus juice without a license again.

Really, an East Hampton Gallery owner ought to know better.

It’s an unspeakable nightmare that is a reality for many people: a late night call from someone demanding payment for a service you never authorized. Only you really did, because someone hijacked your identity.

While there are controls in place at financial institutions that help safeguard private information, there are no guarantees that anyone’s identity is beyond the reach of evildoers.
Well there is LifeLock, of course. They promise a permanent solution. With the CEO’s Social Security number emblazoned on the side of a truck, and a one million dollar protection policy, this service ostensibly protects subscribers from identity theft and other fraudulent attempts to misuse credit information.

But it turns out their own CEO had his identity compromised 20 times. So far.

Ouch.

Due to rising transportation and food costs, the pizza pusher who has delighted knee-biters for four decades, Chuck E. Cheese, has replaced their signature cheese with a high moisture mozzarella blend. Not to be fussy, but what exactly might be in that secret blend besides cheese?

And for that matter, is Chuck E. Cheese even pizza?

Consider the proprietary manufacturing process of a major pizza maker–which I’m not saying is Chuck E. Cheese, but I could be comfortable with a reasonable person erroneously assuming such. But under no circumstances should you mistake the process below as their trademarked way, because that would be incorrect. * Coughs *

OK, let’s make some “pizza”!

Step 1: Remove previously frozen crust from the refrigerator.

Step 2: Drop crust on counter. Hope no one notices the thud.

Step 3: Shake the contents of box of pizza stuff onto crust. Yep, one box. Pizza Stuff. You know, for kids.

Step 4: Jam the works in an oven.

Step 5: Serve to the same snot monster who just cast effluvia across the salad bar.

So hungry right now . . .