There’s only two issues that will keep a man from public life; getting caught with a dead girl, or a live boy. In the case of Ted Kennedy, number one doesn’t apply. Michael Jackson’s fate is more murky.

His latest album: The Essential Michael Jackson hit stores last week. Incidentally, Carly Simon also shipped a new one the same day. Let’s just say Carly outsold Michael by a factor of seven. Now, both my parents groove on Carly Simon, but they only counted for two sales at best, and when my parents impact pop culture matters, that artist is done.

In fact, the numbers for the latest were so bad that if Michael Jackson was a first time novelist, he wouldn’t have a chance at round two. Those people who waited outside the courtroom, standing on cars, holding signs of support – they were the first in a very short line. No one is behind them.

Mikey, I’ve given your financial situation great thought. Here’s my suggestions.

1) Liquidate everything. If it’s not nailed down, fire sale it. The homes, the Beatles catalog, the Monkey Man bones, the hyperbaric chamber, the pictures of Madonna, etc. The only exception is the publishing to your original music catalog. A stable source of income and some walking money is important because you’re moving…
2) …to a territory that was formerly part of the Soviet Union. There what’s left of your fortune will go further and the rule of law is the rule of money. Steer clear of the Chechen republic, the growing Islam population there despises grown men who chill with young boys. Also:
3) Stop buying everything that isn’t nailed down. You are not Elton John, nor do you have his balance sheet. The last hit was so long ago even the janitors in the radio station can’t remember the DJ who spun your albums. No hits, no money. Try McDonald’s instead of Tavern on the Green for brunch. It’s cheaper and also available in Russia. Which brings me to a new phase in your career.
4) Remember when it was cool for people to know you? Today the opposite is true. I bet somewhere in that stash of pictures, you’ve got photos of yourself with famous and semi-famous people the world over. I hope you kept the negatives, because now your people will call up their people and remind them what kind of damage photographic evidence of this sundry association can do to a reputation. Blackmail? More a reminder of days gone by, and they get a neat souvenir for their piece of mind. Hell, Corey Feldman is good for at least ten bucks.

New movie reviews for Wedding Crashers, Fantastic Four and the Longest Yard.

OK, so I muffed the Friday entry. Basically, I sat down at the computer and by six p.m.four pages that weren’t there at ten a.m danced upon the screen. By that point most love for the blog was spent.

Still on track for October 1, 2005.

Oedipus appears Monday. There’s a coolio question all primed for a dandy zinger of a Zen Master response. Also, talked with Spike about a second run of t-shirts for distribution in the next few weeks. He’s giving me a good price, which is making it easier to say yes. * cough *

The disappearance of Natalee Holloway shed light on the clandestine Aruban Justice System, so much illumination, that my eyes hurt.

For starters, the principle of habeas corpus that ensures that when the state detains an individual they file charges and prosecute within a reasonable time frame, is untrue on this tropical paradise. Their legal traditions allow detainment for 116 days before filing charges, based on any grounds a judge considers reasonable.

Secondly, they can arrest parties unrelated to the investigation to exert pressure on a suspect in custody. Let’s say I run a stoplight and an Aruban officer arrests me. I refuse to plead guilty, they arrest the Wife, and hold her until I confess. Well, I’m in charge of the Wife holding business in this household, thanks. This was the situation when they arrested the father of a suspect in Natalee’s disappearance, and then released him twenty-four hours later. What the suspect told authorities, if anything, is not known.

In terms of violent crime, Aruba may be it’s own greatest victim. Because the island is so peaceful and has such low crime rates – just one murder this year and the last – the local constables don’t have much experience with capital offenses. That’s good in the sense that serious crimes are rare, bad in the sense that if one occurs they lack the resources and infrastructure for a vigorous prosecution.

For all the advantages and powers Aruba officials have in investigations, where Natalee Holloway is at this moment remains a question no one has answered.