Due to rising transportation and food costs, the pizza pusher who has delighted knee-biters for four decades, Chuck E. Cheese, has replaced their signature cheese with a high moisture mozzarella blend. Not to be fussy, but what exactly might be in that secret blend besides cheese?

And for that matter, is Chuck E. Cheese even pizza?

Consider the proprietary manufacturing process of a major pizza maker–which I’m not saying is Chuck E. Cheese, but I could be comfortable with a reasonable person erroneously assuming such. But under no circumstances should you mistake the process below as their trademarked way, because that would be incorrect. * Coughs *

OK, let’s make some “pizza”!

Step 1: Remove previously frozen crust from the refrigerator.

Step 2: Drop crust on counter. Hope no one notices the thud.

Step 3: Shake the contents of box of pizza stuff onto crust. Yep, one box. Pizza Stuff. You know, for kids.

Step 4: Jam the works in an oven.

Step 5: Serve to the same snot monster who just cast effluvia across the salad bar.

So hungry right now . . .