There’s only two issues that will keep a man from public life; getting caught with a dead girl, or a live boy. In the case of Ted Kennedy, number one doesn’t apply. Michael Jackson’s fate is more murky.

His latest album: The Essential Michael Jackson hit stores last week. Incidentally, Carly Simon also shipped a new one the same day. Let’s just say Carly outsold Michael by a factor of seven. Now, both my parents groove on Carly Simon, but they only counted for two sales at best, and when my parents impact pop culture matters, that artist is done.

In fact, the numbers for the latest were so bad that if Michael Jackson was a first time novelist, he wouldn’t have a chance at round two. Those people who waited outside the courtroom, standing on cars, holding signs of support – they were the first in a very short line. No one is behind them.

Mikey, I’ve given your financial situation great thought. Here’s my suggestions.

1) Liquidate everything. If it’s not nailed down, fire sale it. The homes, the Beatles catalog, the Monkey Man bones, the hyperbaric chamber, the pictures of Madonna, etc. The only exception is the publishing to your original music catalog. A stable source of income and some walking money is important because you’re moving…
2) …to a territory that was formerly part of the Soviet Union. There what’s left of your fortune will go further and the rule of law is the rule of money. Steer clear of the Chechen republic, the growing Islam population there despises grown men who chill with young boys. Also:
3) Stop buying everything that isn’t nailed down. You are not Elton John, nor do you have his balance sheet. The last hit was so long ago even the janitors in the radio station can’t remember the DJ who spun your albums. No hits, no money. Try McDonald’s instead of Tavern on the Green for brunch. It’s cheaper and also available in Russia. Which brings me to a new phase in your career.
4) Remember when it was cool for people to know you? Today the opposite is true. I bet somewhere in that stash of pictures, you’ve got photos of yourself with famous and semi-famous people the world over. I hope you kept the negatives, because now your people will call up their people and remind them what kind of damage photographic evidence of this sundry association can do to a reputation. Blackmail? More a reminder of days gone by, and they get a neat souvenir for their piece of mind. Hell, Corey Feldman is good for at least ten bucks.