It’s 1998 and I’m on Atkins. Wait, that’s a half-truth. It’s 2005 and I’m on Atkins. The eating plan was hip seven years back. Since then, everyone and my aunt tried and failed on this diet, I know. These days Atkins is not only out, it’s off most restaurant menus and grocery shelves. Who suffers low carb purgatory when Baja Fresh and Panera Bread offer takeout service in hundreds of convenient locations? Who, indeed.

Some twisted person who enjoys headaches, leg cramps and constipation, I guess.

So, bring on the heavy cream, sour cream, olive oil and cheeses. Lay that fat slab of pork roast on my plate. Gimme some Gouda and a burger, and hold the bun.

Follow the mystery of whether man can thrive on three cups of veggies, two hundred grams of protein, and a big old helping of natural fats per day, unravels.

By the way, this is day two. Last night I dreamed of pizza with pepperoni. In the morning, the Wife had no buttons on her pajamas.